Friday, September 5, 2008

green thumb

I was talking with a very cool chick this evening. She's brilliant, beautiful and bold, and I admire her strength to have come from a checkered past and now to be walking tall and free from old rubbish. Whenever I look at her I'm always amazed at how free she appears.

Now, I know that some things that happened in her younger years weren't perfect (who ever has a clean-slate past?) but I also know that those things aren't affecting her now. And then I look at me, a twenty-something girl with a desire to make a difference and a past to boot.

Great, where to from here?

Don't get me wrong. I have overcome a lot of things that held me back. I have talked my way through issues, I have prayed my way over obstacles, and I am a free woman. But sometimes, well, always, there's old behaviours that just aren't fitting for the new season.

And that's where I am today.

I'm not a gardener at all, I don't like getting dirt under my nails and I always manage to kill whatever green plant I try to nurture (that makes me scared when I think about having children). But there's many a lessons to be learned from having the green thumb.

When the summer season is over and all the flowers start to die, it's time to prune the plant. You have to cut back, quite drastically might I add, the old branches and dead flowers and anything else that will hinder new growth for the next season.

Do you see where I'm going with this?

So cutting back the old branches of fear, anxiety, unhelpful thoughts, unsatisfactory behaviour, and the list can go on, is in preparation for the new season to come. It's so darn painful, it's not pleasant, there's blood and sweat and tears involved, lots of tears, and there's the new feeling of exposure to come to terms with.

But you know what? Sure enough, those roses bloom again in the next season more beautiful, fuller, numerous and full of delicious scents. And sure enough, if I continue to prune, I am guaranteed to have beautiful flowers bloom in the next season.

Perhaps I do have a green thumb after all?!

Thursday, September 4, 2008

first things first

I have come to realise something:

I am responsible for what I do.

Holy cow, now that is a totally obvious concept, yes? But really, seriously...

The only way that things occur in my life, things that I want to achieve, things that I want to do, things that I want to become, is when I become responsible for them. If I want to become more outgoing, it's not going to be when someone clicks their fingers, or better yet, their red sparkly shoes. It will only begin when I take responsibility for that change.

Now, I know this is sounding very psychology-type-lingoish. Correct. But really and truly, I believe it. I was speaking with a very wise woman today, and she said...

"You become what you want."

Do you believe it? Do I really become more outgoing just because I want to become more outgoing? Well, not straight away, no. But if I've become aware of the lack of outgoing behaviour in my life, then I am more likely to do something about it and change my behaviour.

So this blog isn't just me ranting about my angst and wishing I would change. Good lord, I would not put you through reading that. I wouldn't put myself through writing that. But this blog is more about going into the dress-up cupboard and trying on different outfits and finding which one is the right one for me. I'm not saying that I'm trying to become what I'm not. It's about becoming what I am.

So if you wanna join me on this little writing journey, then keep checking back and let's see what costumes I come up with. Perhaps a Wonder Woman cape is in order?